On the Town Bill Lee

Published on September 19th, 2012 | by Dr. Richard Martorano

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Getting Old? Don‘t Lose Your Sense of Humor!

My friend who recently passed, Renaissance man, Dr. William Lee, retired Dean of the University of Miami School of Music, author of umpteen books, jazz pianist, composer and conductor, flattered me by saying he appreciated my articles in the printed edition of the Observer.

Bill had a couple of joke books published – one specifically for musicians – which is hilarious and he had another joke book entitled “Getting Old? – Don’t Lose Your Sense of Humor.” I just have to share some of the jokes with you from Bill’s book.  So, sit back, get yourself some refreshments and take time to read this blog.  Sometimes, we all need a little levity in our lives and this just might be that time.

Born in the 90’s

People who are starting college this fall, all across the nation, were born in the 1990’s.

They’re too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

During their lifetime, some people in the world have always had AIDS.

The CD was introduced 13 years before they were born.

They have always had an answering service.

Bottle caps have always been screw-off and plastic.

They cannot imagine not having remote controls.

Jay Leno has always been the host of the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been made in the microwave.

They never took a swim and had to worry about “Jaws.”

They cannot imagine being without contact lenses.

They never heard “Where’s the beef?” – “I’d walk a mile for camel” – or “De Plane, De plane!”

They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. was.

They don’t have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Perks for being over 60

In a hostage situation you’re likely to be released first.

People call at 9:00 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”

There is nothing left for you to “learn the hard way.”

Things you buy won’t wear out.

You no longer think of speed limits as “a challenge.”

You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks in the room.

You sing along with elevator music.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists then the national weather service.

Your secrets are safe with your best friends because they can’t remember them either.

Hot Momma

Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.  A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said:  “you’re really doing great, aren’t you?” Morse replied: “just doing what you said Doc… Get a hot mama and be cheerful.” The doctor said: “I didn’t say that, I said, You’ve got a heart murmur. Be careful.”

Happy Thanksgiving

An old woman named Jane received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

Jane tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else she could think of to “cleanup” the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, Jane was fed up and she yelled at him.  The parrot yelled back. Jane shook the parrot and that made him even angrier and vulgar. Jane, in desperation, threw up her hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parent squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly all was totally quiet.  Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that she had hurt the parrot, Jane quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out into Jane’s outstretched arms and said: “I believe I may have offended you with my vulgar language and aggressive actions. I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

Jane was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As she was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, “Please, May I ask what the turkey did?”

To all the kids who survived the 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, 50’s and 60’s

We ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes.

Then, after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we road our bikes, we had no helmets – not to mention, the risks we took as a child.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it – We weren’t overweight because we were always outside playing!

No one was able to reach us all day, and we were all OK.

We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill; only to find out we forgot the brakes.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo’s, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no videotaped movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms.  What we had were friends with whom we met outside and played.

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were never any lawsuits from any of these accidents.

We were given a BB gun for our 10th birthday, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out “very many eyes.”

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment.  Imagine that!

The idea of a parent bailing us out of jail if we broke the law was unheard of.  They actually sided with the law.

Our generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever.

The past 50 years have seen an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, successes and responsibilities, and we learned how to deal with them all.

If you are one of that generation, congratulations!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids before “outside influences” regulated our lives “for our own good.” While you’re at it, forward this to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

See you “On the Town” next week.


About the Author

Dr. Richard Martorano

A prominent musician, producer, composer, music director, adjunct university professor and owner of R. Martorano Productions LLC and Music, Etc. Inc. who is residing in New Smyrna Beach. He has produced and directed over 30 Broadway musicals for community or Dinner theater and worked with some of the biggest names in show business. He has also produced over 30 jingles and TV commercials. Dr. Martorano has an undergraduate and Master degrees from Florida State University and Rollins College and Doctorate in Music and Broadcast Communications from California State Western University. He is a feature contributor to the New Smyrna Beach Observer and can be reached at rjaem2222@bellsouth.net or on his web page RMartoranoproductions.com



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